“How are you feelin today? Ok to visit with the kids?”
Is the last text I sent you.
I can’t bring myself to erase it.
Just like I can’t bring myself to erase your number from my phone.
It belongs to someone else now.
Someone who has no clue how many times I went to call it, only to remember just in time that it wouldn’t be your voice I’d hear on the other side.
It’s been 5 years.
5 whole years.
And it still doesn’t feel real.
5 years and I still think about you every day.
5 years and my heart still aches for you.
That much will never change.
5 years and there is so much I could say, but more than anything I just want you to know that I get it now.
I understand how hard it is to raise children and not feel like you’re screwing up somehow in so many ways invisible to everyone but you.
I understand how hard it is to give your all to your children while fighting battles they know nothing about.
I understand how irresistible chubby cheeks are!
And I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time for being obsessed with mine.
I understand what was going through your mind when you would look at me with those big brown eyes and just smile.
I understand why you were always tired.
If we weren’t keeping you up at night, I know the mental load was nothing short of absolutely exhausting.
I understand why you loved the mountains so much.
I understand why you cried more after your mama died.
I understand why you never stopped missing her.
How your soul kept searching for her.
How you began to see her in little things like ladybugs.
Butterflies.
Cardinals.
Sunflowers.
Kansas license plates.
And miniature trinkets at the store that would have made her squeal in delight.
How the questions you wished you could ask her just kept piling up…
And how you’d long to hear the reassurance in her voice.
How you would give anything to feel the world’s softest skin again or watch her eyes light up when you entered a room.
How you’ve never wanted anything more than you want just one more hug.
And because you did your job so exquisitely, even though your time on Earth was cut much shorter than you would have liked…
I understand how to feel like home to three little people that color my world.
I love you Mama.
Happy Birthday.
